Don't Change Me
by Kalus
Summary: It's not easy to change someone. Shinji tries to make Rei smile again after the Third Angel, but forgets one key thing. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change.


AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well…long time since I wrote here…hope you enjoy it!

DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Gainax owns.

**Don't Change Me**

"Ayanami…don't look so sad all the time. When you say goodbye after a mission, don't think you're the only one out there."

"Eh?" Rei's voice came out tired and weak as she strained to raise her head to meet his gaze. Even with her arm around his shoulders for support, she was still leaning hard against his side as they both stumbled away from the battle behind them.

Her frail body didn't seem the kind to have survived the carnage behind them. The smoking ruin of EVA-00, whose front armor was almost melted off, lay in a kind of dazed stupor as what remained of the heat shield was welded to its arm. Jettisoned LCL sprayed across the ground, turning the soft loam into mud. The entire area was still wrapped in an almost fog of smoke. It blinded their vision and made Shinji's eyes water.

And still they were both alive. The shattered remains of the pyramid-shaped Angel was testimony to that fact as well as the smoking barrel of the positron cannon which was striated with cracks due to the stress…or was it because he had tossed it to the side in his hurry to save Rei?

It didn't matter. You breathe the air and realize, even though the stench of molten blood and pungent steel fill your nostrils, the night air is there. The moon is shining over your head and illuminating a path. Live that path…live somewhere.

Like we might do now…

Although Ayanami's forehead was cut and a flow of blood ran off her left eye, she was still walking with him. Still struggling to be a part of this world that she had honestly told him before, she did not understand.

Still alive to smile at him.

His hair was matted to a side and his palms felt burnt and tender, but that was easy to ignore. The pale full moon was shining above and the earth was firm beneath him. That was all he wanted to think about right now. All that mattered.

He said quietly, "Ayanami, lets start to live the way we want to."

"How do you want me to live Ikari-kun?" 

Shaking his head, Shinji gripped her arm tightly. "Not the way I want to…or anyone wants you to. If EVA is all you have for now, then why don't we try living for something else?"

Rei's pale red eyes flashed slightly. "What else do we live for?"

"I don't know. We can't figure it out now…but I know I want to do." Shinji smiled. "I have a clear idea of what I want to do."

Waiting for an answer and not getting one, Rei inquired, "What is it?"

"I want to see you smile again." Ignoring the confused glance Rei asked him, Shinji looked forward. "I want to see you smile for yourself, even if I don't ask you to. Even if someone doesn't want you to…smile Ayanami. Smile for yourself."

"I…see…" Still looking confused however, Rei hissed slightly in pain. "I believe I require medical attention after this…as do you."

"Don't worry." From the control center, he could already see Misato and the recovery teams start running towards them. He looked down at Rei, "We've lived this far. We'll do only what's natural."

"…" Averting her eyes, Rei allowed Shinji to place his arm around her waist for more support as she rested her body against his. "Maybe…Ikari-kun…"

About to retort at her lack of enthusiasm, Shinji stalled mid-sentence and shook his head as he smiled. "Ah…probably."

"You two WERE GREAT!" Excitedly jumping over debris, Misato beamed at the both of them. "I didn't think you two would make it!"

Rei absentmindedly looked up and replied, "Mission accomplished. Angel termin…" Her lungs caught and she fell into a fit of coughs as she hung onto Shinji's arm tighter. "I apologize…"

"Don't say another word Rei! We'll get you checked up! OI!" Misato yelled behind her, "You two! Get over here with that stretcher and get Miss Ayanami to a hospital STAT!"

As the recovery team rushed down, Rei bent her head forward so only Shinji could hear. "Ikari-kun…"

"Eh?"

"Did I smile at you wrong? Is that why…?"

Shinji grinned as he shook his head emphatically. Whispering back, his voice was gentle, "No…it was absolutely beautiful."

***

"I…Ittai…" Grimacing, Shinji's palm twitched as he gritted his teeth against the harsh sting of alcohol."

"And every bit of this pain is all your fault Shinji. Really, what were you thinking?" Sitting across the table from the Third Child, Misato took a swig of Yebisu to calm her nerves. Reaching back for the swab, she dipped it into alcohol, "You're just lucky I caught this before it got infected."

"I didn't want to cause any trouble…" Looking away, he yelped in pain as his tender palm complained bitterly. 

"So says the hero and savior of the world. What are your priorities anyway?" Patting his hand tenderly, she shook her head. "This is almost a second degree burn Shin-chan. I know you can probably do anything, but aren't we going a bit overboard? That entry plug was probably a few hundred degrees…you could have burnt your hand right off."

"Heh…actually, all I could do was protect Ayanami…if nothing else. At least she's alive…that's a relief." Letting Misato bandage his hand, he fell into contemplation. "Misato-san…can I ask you a question?"

Misato taped the bandage together and shrugged, "As long as it doesn't contaminate my maiden virtue?"

"What are you thinking?"

"Never mind. What is it?"

Giving her a lingering glance, Shinji murmured, "Would it be okay with you…and NERV…if I tried to change Rei? If I…" Running out of words, he bowed his head as words died on his tongue.

"You mean if you tried to get closer to her by taking advantage of whatever trust you may have gained by saving her life. Is that what you mean?" Misato gave Shinji a droll smile.

Shinji's eyes almost bugged out as he slammed a fist into the table, "NOW WHAT DOES THAT MEAN MI…s…a…to…" His voice dropped to a croak as his fist quivered against the wood, "That…that really hurt…"

"It would. That's what happens when you agitate a burn." Agreeing with him, Misato gently cupped the fist in her hands and smoothed it out. "I know what you mean Shin-chan. Trust me…changing someone isn't easy. And it might not turn out the way you want to. But yes, I do have a problem with that."

"Sou…I guess you would…" Shinji averted his eyes.

"What use is changing someone else if you don't learn anything from it?" She ruffled his hair playfully. "It's rather refreshing to see you act so altruistic, but keep the world in focus before you disturb the universe."

Shielding his eyes, Shinji looked at Misato warily, "I have absolutely no idea what you are trying to tell me…"

"I'm saying BAKA…that if you want to change Rei, I better see some change in you too. I'm not satisfied with you the way you are but…" Her voice grew soft, "But hell…it's a start. Who knows…maybe you can teach her how to live. God knows, both of you aren't good at it." She leered, "What? Do you need my holy blessing as well?"

"Misato…you're starting to sound sober…" Shinji popped the top of a can of Yebisu and slid it across the table. "Please…take another round…"

Misato winked and brought the can to her lips. "Hai Hai…"

***

_…Smile the way I want to? He makes no sense at all…_

Rei's eyes stared at the infirmary ceiling above her. She had been here before…she recognized the ceiling. 

Doesn't mean she had to like it.

Normally, she'd try to get up so she could walk home and report to the Commander. But normally, she didn't feel this confused and tired. And it felt cool here…inside the entry plug, she literally felt herself burning up. Rei wondered how close to death she had been…really…

The Third Child…The Commander's child had saved her…somewhat. She had promised to protect him…but it was he who saved her. What was that? Humorous? Surprising?

The light covers over her weren't very good at insulation…that was all right. The cool air felt oddly calming to her skin…and the light breeze from the open window helped blow away the sticky smell of blood.

_What other way can I smile?_

What was that smile? For sure it didn't feel special…but the reaction from Ikari-kun signified it must have been a pleasurable experience. His words…they did touch her…but in a way, brought a chill through her spine. What he was saying defied logic. Her purpose…his purpose…at the very least gave a meaning to an existence.

Was she willing to throw it away? And…

Why? She was listening to a person who didn't even know how he wanted to live…

She turned her head and buried her face against the flat pillow. Maybe…truly…it was maybe. For now, just for now…she would keep her smile to herself. But she wanted to see if Ikari-kun had any meaning behind his word. If there was a meaning …then maybe.

Maybe she'd try living a way she wanted…if she knew what she wanted.

***

The cold season had just set in again and the leaves were dangling precariously to the trees. Much of summer had faded as the days ended earlier and the night sky lay asleep much longer than usual. There was no snow and although the wind was cold, the air was dry enough to crack lips and cut skin. It was the time of year where the boys began rummaging through their cabinets for their jackets and sweatshirts while the girls who tried to remain fashionable replaced their short skirts with skintight jeans or pants.

But some things didn't change. 

Walking together down the hill overlooking the GeoFront as they walked towards their next sync test, Shinji stole a glance at Rei. Still in her customary school garb, her pale skin almost made her invisible as the sunset by four and dark overcasts turned her blue hair almost black. Her arm was still in a sling and although the patch over her eye was missing, her forehead cut was still wrapped. 

The bandages were fresh…Shinji wondered who changed them for her.

He had fared much better. Thanks to Misato's quick bandage job, doctors doubted there would be any scar material left behind and although they throbbed painfully, like most things in life, it was easily forgettable. Clenching his hand into a fist, he hissed softly as the blisters on his hand grated harshly against his skin.

"It hurts…doesn't it Ikari-kun? Does it remind you of life? Does it move you?"

Shinji looked curiously at Rei who was looking the opposite way. "I suppose so…I'm not sure if it inspires me though…"

"I was." Rei turned and looked at him. Her eyes were shining brightly but not with tears. "I felt moved by your words…what you said back then…and at the same time, I didn't know what they meant. I would ask you…but you yourself don't know the way you want to live. How could I expect an answer?"

"That's not exactly true…" Shinji massaged his wrist as he organized his thoughts. "I've been doing a lot of thinking though Ayanami…about why I was chosen to be a pilot…about you…" Shinji nervously scratched his cheek. "But the more I thought about it, the only thing I really realized was that I don't want to live like this."

"This? For EVA? For NERV?" She shook her head, "What's wrong with living like that?"

Shinji waved around him, "Doesn't this seem so unreal to you? We're fourteen…both of us…and we're piloting giant robots to save the world. It's like something out of an animation video!"

Rei averted her eyes. "It is real Ikari-kun…but it is necessary. We are the only ones who can do it. That is our connection…our meaning."

Shinji whispered back, "But how long? How long can something so impossible stay that way? I…I feel that if I don't change…if I stay like this forever, I might lose my mind."

"Than why can't you do it yourself? Why are you telling me this? Back then…why did you ask me to find another way of living with you?"

Shinji bowed his head and smiled at the ground. "I wondered why I even asked myself…but Misato told me something. She told me that if I try to change you, I'd learn how to change myself. Maybe if I watch you…and you keep watching me, we'll figure out what we're doing wrong and what we're doing right. It might be easier to understand for both of us."

"So what can be so different if we do change?"

"Life won't be so boring."

"Eh?"

"Have you ever read a comic…?" He trailed off. "No…you wouldn't have read a comic. Let me tell you something about them then. Only the heroes die…everyone else lives their pathetic existence. For them, behind all the flash and the glory…the same thing always happens. It stays predictable every time…every episode." Shinji stuffed his hands in his pockets and trudged on. "Doesn't it sound boring to you Ayanami? Wouldn't you get tired of it all? If life is so simple that it can be slapped on a piece of paper and colored in…doesn't it make that life so superficial?"

Rei remained silent for a while, absorbing his words. "That way of thinking is petty…it is meaningless."

Shinji shook his head. "No, you don't think its meaningless…what you're trying to say is that changing like that and living the way we want to at someone else's expense…is selfish." He smiled at her. "You're right."

Rei cocked her head. "Than why?"

"Because…we're only human…both of us. We're only human. In my case, all the more so. But…that's all right. It has to be." He scoffed, "If we aren't human what else are we?"

"You're just rationalizing…it doesn't make it right."

Shinji countered, "But it doesn't make it wrong." He sighed. "It doesn't make wanting to live wrong." Wanly looking at Rei, the boy could almost feel the lines of stress bite down on his eyes. "And if we're selfish for wanting that, what are the people who try to force us to do otherwise?"

Rei answered swiftly, "I trust the Commander. In this world, he is the only person I trust."

It should have made him feel bad. It should have made something feel empty inside…that even through all the trials they had endured together, she still didn't trust him. 

And who said it didn't. But…what could he do otherwise?

Shinji nodded his head. "Ah. That's too bad."

Rei stared hard into his eyes.

"Too bad because I don't think my feelings will change."

***

"Shinji and Rei's synchronization levels are a point less than previous tests." Ibuki looked apprehensively at Ritsuko. "Maybe they're still going through trauma from the Angel Attack."

"Maybe. It might be something more."

"Like what Sempaii?"

"Don't mind me Maya." Ritsuko patted her shoulder. "Let them be for now. They've gone through a lot these few days. Give them some time to recover. That's the best we can do."

"Understood."

***

"Target the center…flip the switch…target…"

There was no target really. More actually, it was probably a direct neural impulse directly jacked over his brain that made him see a live Angel. Most of this…in fact all of this wasn't real. A simulation in other words.

Shinji absentmindedly looked at the Angel rapidly closing the distance in front of him. The targeting computer slowly aimed a triangle crosshair over the creature and with a press of the switch the thrum of the Progressive Rifle in his hand reduced the behemoth to burning ashes. 

Over the PA, Ritsuko's tinny voice sounded tired. "Good job Shinji. You're getting the hang of it. Let's try it one more time with 1.5% LCL pressurization and 56.45.21 region…"

It wouldn't make a difference. Ritsuko knew it as well as he did. She could probably sit down and drone on for hours about variable statistics, and it wouldn't matter at all. The holographic simulation scenery readjusted and Shinji found himself in the third shopping district of Tokyo-3. The screen grew slightly fuzzy and the current of LCL being filtered around the entry plug was like a slow tide.

The Angel materialized out of nowhere and let out a hideous scream that no one heard. 

It started running for his EVA. Again. 

The targeting crosshair began zooming in on it. With a small bleep, the crosshair registered lock and awaited his commands. Reacting instinctively, Shinji's fingers almost began tightening on the trigger.

Almost.

As his thumb caressed the knob, he smiled softly and let his arm slide from the stick. "And what would happen anyway?"

With a scream, the Angel rushed forward and drove its right hand through the helmet armor and ruptured the biomass. The cranium fragmented in half as EVA-01's brain splattered into a pale paste and splashed to the ground as the EVA began listing to a side. Following through, the Angel shattered the sternum, snapping the backbone in half and probably would have instantly killed the pilot.

Probably.

Or at the very least, it's what the damage simulation reports flooding the Magi console said. For all the good it did.

Shinji leaned on the back of the plug and sighed. "I was right. Too bad…nothing did happen."

The blood-strewn battlefield of Lower Tokyo-3 dissolved back into the sterile walls of NERV's simulation facilities. On the opposite end, Rei was still busy going through her practice session.

Ritsuko's voice came over the PA. It had an odd quality of mirth to it, as if the scientist was already one step ahead of him. Without a hint of surprise or anger. "Focus harder Shinji. Feel lucky this is just a simulation. We'll go over this again if you're ready."

"Hai."

Ritsuko smiled as she motioned for Maya to resume testing. Under her breath, she murmured, "Ah, whatever you say Ikari Shinji-kun."

The tests proceeded without a hitch. Although Rei's synch level dropped three percent and Shinji's five, it was all declared within nominal levels.

Or at least when it was considered they both might as well be dead…

Or something like that at least.

***

They were still cleaning up the remains of the Fifth Angel. How NERV was managing to cover this up was a credence to their censoring squads. Or maybe it wasn't that hard to believe…not many people wanted to live knowing that every battle he fought was quite literally, a step away from Armageddon.

People were simple like that.

He was simple like that. He was the one fighting in the EVA unit after all. Ikari Shinji-kun: The savior of a world that didn't even know what they were fighting. 

Ayanami Rei. The savior of a world that had made her lose her smile. 

Shinji shook his head at the bitter irony. It was amazing and still made perfect sense. It truly, honestly was like that. 

He really did regret that…

He regretted that his feelings wouldn't change. No matter what would happen, he would never trust his father and no matter what anyone could tell him, he would never understand. He had read Misato's report on his physical and mental health…he knew what others thought of him.

He didn't have the energy to deny any of it. It was the way this peculiar world worked. He could fight against a system all he wanted…but it wouldn't make a difference. He could refuse, scream, stand-up, and lash back against father, Misato-san, Ritsuko-san… and even Rei all he wanted to.

But in the end, to what purpose could that solve? 

He could pretend to be strong, but he was human. He could not stare Death in the eye without flinching. Not when every fiber in his being was screaming in agony as the neural feedback program dumped more pain into his system than he had ever thought possible. Not when all he had to return to were the cold stares of his father and the same wretched insecurities.

Few people would have truly faulted him if they were in his shoes. The problem is that they weren't. Thus it was incredibly easy to fault him. The world needed a hero and all they got was a spineless wretch. Pathetic wasn't it?

Wasn't it?

Besides…few things really changed anyway. Angels came…they died…and the world kept on pretending nothing was going on. Those children laughing on the playground and watching the sky fall weren't worried about the end of the world. They were worried about grades…relationships…homework…

They probably wouldn't bother to know or bother to care if he stood up on his chair during Sensei's lessons and announced to them that every battle he fought was to preserve their happiness…their lives. No, what would happen was that someone would scream at him to shut up. The child sitting two seats behind who didn't like him would probably throw something at his face, which would start the whole room laughing. In two minutes flat, everything he said would be forgotten.

Misato would make another comment in her private notebook that the Third Child was undergoing through mental stress which meant another round of the tests to clear his mind and blanket his thoughts. It was working though…it worked so well that he rarely questioned the why and the how of EVA. 

If the world could exist like that, it couldn't expect him to change. But then again, by the same note, could he expect Rei to change? Could he expect Rei to change simply because he asked her to?

Probably not.

But that was part of being human too. Expectations were a part of human nature everyone took for granted.

Shinji's feelings wouldn't change.

That seemed such an ironic statement.

Ah well. Living had to be good enough for now. 

tbc


End file.
